But At What Cost?
by Lady Silverwings
Summary: Duo finally turns into what he believes Heero has always wanted. But is it really what Heero wants? And will Heero realize he's losing something precious before it's too late?


Disclaimer: Gundam Wing doesn't belong to me. I just get to take them out of the closet, dress them up, and play with them for a little while. .

Summary: Duo finally becomes what Heero desires. But at what cost? Will Heero lose something he never knew he had forever?

Notes: A little angst, a little sap with male x male situations, and attempted suicide. I don't condone this action, people! No matter how dark and desperate things may appear, there's always a ray of hope and help is always around, in any and all forms.

Pairings: 1x2

But At What Cost?

By: Lady Silverwings

"Hee-chan! Let's go see a movie!"

Heero grunted as Duo's body collided with his. He scowled darkly at Duo's glomp, his eyes scanning the crowd outside the theatre.

"Baka," he growled, jerking away from Duo. "Don't touch me." He spun away, missing the confused and hurt look flickering on Duo's face.

Two hours later, Duo chatted nonstop about the action movie to a deaf Heero. When he made the move to hold his hand, Heero pulled away sharply. Glaring at him. Duo bit his lip and scurried after him. Ever since the end of war, Duo had been trying to get his lover to open up. That's right. Lover. Boyfriend. Significant other. But right now, Heero was making Duo feel significantly hurt at his callousness. The ride home was quiet and tension filled. Finding himself suddenly worn out, Duo trudged to their room. What may surprise a few people was the fact there were two beds on opposite ends of the room. They were living together as a couple. You would think that there would just be one big bed.

But not. Under no circumstance would Heero allow Duo to move in with him unless a second bed was brought. Duo also had to supply his own dresser and had to section of a part of the closet for his clothes. There were his things and Heero's. No blending, no mixing. Sometimes, Duo felt as if he was Heero's roommate and not boyfriend.

Lost in his thoughts, Duo failed to notice Heero's presence.

"Baka," Heero stated, walking across hastily strewn clothes lying on the floor. "You're such a mess. It wouldn't hurt if you cleaned up after yourself. Like a grown person."

Another flash of hurt rippled through Duo. "Sorry, Hee-chan," he mumbled.

"In fact, it wouldn't hurt if you actually did something around the house. You're unemployed. I am employed. The least you can do is clean the apartment."

Duo sucked his breath in sharply. What was with him? Was it Torment Duo Day? Did he miss that memo this morning?

"I'll clean tomorrow, promise," he answered. He started walking to Heero's side of the room when a glare stopped him.

"It would be best you sleep in your bed tonight," Heero stated coolly. "I'm just not in the mood."

Tears welled up but were held back as Duo nodded. He buried himself under his blankets of his empty cold bed, wondering what he ever did to deserve such harsh treatment.

* * *

Duo threw back his head and roared with laughter at the joke the friendly stranger uttered. His amethyst eyes glittered with mirth as his chuckles died down. His smile widened when he saw his koi approach from the other side of the club.

"Hee-chan!" Duo exclaimed, waving to get his attention. "Over here! So glad you could make it!"

Heero shot Duo a disgruntled look. "I don't even know why I agreed in the first place," he grumbled.

"Aw come on, Heero! You've been working all week."

"Yes, and I'm the one paying all the bills. You're not. Can't you be a little more responsible?"

The light dimmed in Duo's eyes slightly. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I cleaned the house today."

"Hn. You shoved everything in the spare closet. That's not called cleaning. It's called laziness."

Duo turned his face away. Yup. He missed the morning's memo again. Be A Bastard To Duo Day. Yippee.

"Heero! Surprise seeing you here!"

Duo's features lit up. "Kat!"

Quatre laughed and hugged Duo before turning to Heero and offered a handshake. "It's been ages since we saw each other!"

"Four months isn't ages, little one," Trowa drawled behind him. Duo jumped up from his seat and dutifully glomped Trowa.

"T-man! You're here too! Figures though, ne? Where Quatre is, so are you."

Trowa smiled faintly. "But of course."

"Heero, I heard you got a promotion after a big Preventer mission," Quatre said excitedly. "Duo told me everything!"

Shooting Duo a dark look, Heero grunted. "Duo talks to much," he groused. "He knows not to talk about Preventer missions. Perhaps he should learn to keep his mouth shut."

Duo turned his face away once again to hide his hurt look. Damn you, Heero Yuy!

* * *

Weeks went by, each one the same as the next. No matter what Duo did or said, Heero was displeased and was quick to shoot a hurting remark. It got to a point where Duo feared to be around the former Gundam pilot, wishing to avoid his biting sarcasm and judgments. His physical health suffered along with his mental health. Duo, renown for his ability to put away gallons of food, rarely ate. A year ago, Duo could sleep the day and night away. Now he only slept a few hours, and they were restless. His joker smile faded away. The light in his eyes diminished. Duo Maxwell was slowly dying from the inside out.

Quatre was the first to raise the alarm. Taking Duo aside on an afternoon outing, he drilled the Deathscythe pilot with questions worthy of an OZ interrogator. Duo merely shrugged his shoulders and smiled it off. When Trowa asked him, his response was much the same. A shrug, a sad smile. Nothing more.

As days went by, Duo said less and less. He merely functioned to satisfy Heero, at home and in public. He never spoke unless spoken too. He never moved unless obliged too. At home he was the perfect little house man. He cleaned after himself. Vacuumed the carpets. Slept on his side of the room. Kept everything running in top shape with his mechanical skills. Even managed to learn how to cook edible meals.

He was . . . perfect. A perfect companion for the Perfect Soldier.

* * *

"Heero? Have you noticed Duo's odd behavior lately?"

Surprised, Heero looked up from his meal. "What do you mean?"

Quatre rolled his eyes. "Look at him!" he demanded, pointing to the braided boy standing at the counter. "He's been acting so strange lately! He's like a robot. So stiff and mechanic."

Heero scoffed. "Don't be ridiculous," he argued. "Duo's fine. In fact, he's improved."

"Heero! Duo is not a computer program that gets upgraded. He's a human being, with human thoughts and emotions like everyone else. Like _you._"

Heero shot Duo a quizzing glance. Where once Duo may have joked and teased the attractive waitress, he neither smiled or looked at her. Just stared off in the distance as he waited for his order.

"I'll talk to him later," Heero promised. "When we go home."

"Good. And Heero. Watch Duo. I mean really watch him. You'll see what I mean."

Puzzled, Heero could only nod as Duo sauntered over to their table. No, wait. Scratch that. He didn't saunter. More like trudged, as if his feet were heavy. Or as if . . . he was reluctant to approach them.

Heero frowned and paid closer heed to Quatre's statements. All throughout the meal, Duo remained silent. He didn't joke around. He didn't join in the conversation with his witty comments or his lively hand gestures. He didn't . . . do anything . . .

After paying for the meal, Heero walked outside the diner, saying good-bye to Quatre outside. He saw the wooden way Duo hugged Quatre, saw the glazed and unfocused look in his eyes. Heero stepped forward, reaching his Duo's hand. His brows knitted when Duo retreated, a wild look flickering through his eyes as his body tensed. He acted as if he was under attack.

"Let's go home," Heero spoke softly. Duo obediently followed, not saying a word.

Heero studied Duo from across their bedroom. Duo neither acknowledged him nor ignored him. He was just sitting there, brushing his chestnut hair on his bed. Heero had listened to Quatre's suggestion and had watched him throughout the day. It was like Duo was there physically but not mentally. Heero had never noticed how silent the apartment was without Duo's innate laughter and conversation. Now the place was like a tomb, the heavy silence oppressing. Was this what Duo had gone through with him? This irritating and annoying silence from his partner?

"Duo," Heero called out. "Why don't you sleep here, with me tonight?"

Without blinking an eye, Duo put his hairbrush down and climbed into bed with Heero. He rolled onto his side, away from the confused boy, his head pillowed under his hands.

Heero scooted over, noticing that Duo was practically falling off the bed, he was so close to the edge.

"Hey," he said, wrapping his arm around Duo's waist. Beneath his fingers, he felt Duo's muscles clench tight and a breathless hiss was heard. Taken back, Heero snatched his hand away. Didn't Duo want to be held? Didn't he like his touch? Troubled, Heero rolled away and turned off the lights, plunging the room into darkness.

* * *

"You look like shit."

Heero raised blurry, red eyes up at the source of the voice. Peering down at him from the other side of his desk stood Wufei, his Preventer partner.

"It's nothing," he murmured, looking down.

Wufei snorted. "Bullshit. Something's up and you're going to tell me."

Sighing, Heero leaned back in his chair. "It's Duo," he began. "He's not . . . being Duo."

Wufei's eyebrow raised. "That braided idiot?"

"He's not an idiot," Heero snapped irritably.

"Really? Funny, you've been calling him that ever since the war."

Heero sucked in his breath. It was true. He had always called Duo a baka. He just never really meant it. But how would Duo realize that when Heero never made a motion to correct it?

"So what's the matter with him?" Wufei questioned.

"He's too quiet. He won't say a word unless you ask him a question that can't be answered with a nod or a shake of the head. He cooks. He cleans. He doesn't touch me and doesn't let me touch him."

Wufei snorted. "Sounds like you finally got what you wished for, Yuy."

Heero's head snapped up. "Nani?!"

"Admit it, Yuy. Ever since you got together you would bitch about Duo being too loud. Duo being too invasive. Duo being too messy. Too lazy. Too touchy feely. He's finally doing what you want him to do, and now you're bitching about that!"

With wide eyes, Heero accepted the startling truth. "I really said those things about him, didn't I?" he whispered.

"Every damn day, Yuy. Every goddamn day. You finally turned Duo into another Perfect Soldier. Now all you have to ask yourself is, at what cost? At what cost did you pay for destroying the man we knew as Duo Maxwell?"

* * *

Heero rushed home after his conversation with Wufei. He only just managed to burst into Une's office to blurt out he was taking the rest of the day off before darting off. Heart pounding, not from exertion but with fear, he dashed inside the apartment.

"Duo!" he called. "Duo, where are you?" He scurried around the large apartment, frantic in his search. It was only with his acute hearing did he detect a noise in the bathroom. Kicking the door open, his eyes could only widen at the sight in front of him.

Sprawled out on the floor with an empty bottle of pills next to him, Duo was unable to look up at Heero's face.

"Duo!" Heero fell to his knees, his arms reaching out to cradle his koi's body in his arms. "Duo, open your eyes, please!"

Violet eyes flickered open, blurry and hazy with the effects of the drugs.

"I'm sorry," he whispered faintly. So faintly, Heero had to strain to hear him. "I couldn't do it anymore. I just couldn't."

Tears streamed down Heero's face as he wept unabashedly. "No, Duo, I'm sorry! Sorry I did this to you. But please, please stay with me! Don't leave!"

"I'm sorry . . ." Breathless, his strength gone, Duo's eyes closed.

"No! I'm not going to let you die! You're not going to leave me! Duo!!!!"

* * *

Heero gazed unseeingly out his living room window at the sprawling landscape below. His body was tense, dark bags under his eyes from lack of sleep. How could he when he . . . oh God, Duo . . .

"Heero?" said a tentative voice from behind him.

Sighing, Heero glanced over his shoulder. "Yes, Quatre?"

Biting his lip, Quatre laid a gentle hand on Heero's shoulder. "It's not your fault, Heero," he stated softly but firmly. "Don't start blaming yourself. He . . . wouldn't want that."

"How would you know?" Heero snarled. "It _is _my fault. All my fault. Duo was only trying to please me. He wanted to make me happy and he thought that by listening to me he could – "

"Stop right there, Yuy," Trowa cut in. "You may have said something, but it was Duo who took action. I'm not blaming him in this, but it's pointless to try and put the blame on anyone. It should be quite obvious what you should be focusing on."

Heero nodded. Yes, he did know. But could he repair the damaged already dealt?

Just then Sally and Wufei walked in, both exhausted and weak.

"Well, he's stabilized," Sally announced. "I still don't agree with keeping him here in the house. It would be easier to monitor him in the hospital."

Heero was shaking his head before she even finished the sentence. "Duo has had bad experiences with hospitals," he remarked. "It would only agitate him if he realized he was in one."

"All right, fine. Just keep an eye on him, Heero. Even though he's stabilized, that doesn't mean he won't slip away. Should there be any change in his condition, good or bad, contact me immediately."

Heero had stiffened at the "good or bad" remark, but nodded.

After everyone had left, Heero made his way to their room. He stopped at the doorway, his heart clenching painfully at the sight of Duo laid out pale and deathly still on his bed. Their bed. As soon as Duo was feeling better, Heero was going to get rid of Duo's bed. Perhaps move it into the spare room. He had come so close in losing everything. He had lost Duo's laughter and joy. He had almost lost Duo himself. He'd be _damned _if he lost anything else!

Sighing, Heero walked over to stand by Duo's bedside. He tucked in a stray bang behind his ear as tears fell from his eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Duo," he whispered achingly. "I never meant for any of this to happy. I never meant to change who you are. I'm the baka, not you. Never you."

Helpless and lost in his agony, Heero collapsed onto the chair next to Duo, his hands gripping Duo's, unwilling to let go. Ever.

* * *

Four days past with no change in Duo's condition. And during those four days, Heero was found at Duo's side, leaving only to use the bathroom and fixing something to eat. It was on the fifth day when Duo began to show signs of emerging from his unconscious state. It was when Heero, exhausted and weary, had fallen asleep, his head pillowed on his crossed arms, that Duo opened his eyes.

At first, Duo's sight was blurry and unfocused. After everything settled, he glanced around, shocked to find the Perfect Soldier passed out next to him. Heero's face looked so haggard and worn out. With a soft moan, Duo reached out and softly touched his face.

At his touch, Heero's eyes snapped open. Duo jerked his hand back, but was shocked to find it immediately gripped in Heero's hand. Believing he was going to be yelled at, he turned his face away.

"No, Duo. Look at me. I need you to look at me."

Duo complied, his eyes swimming in tears only to find Heero's in the same manner. Shocked, he gasped. Heero, uncaring of the tears rolling down his face, brought Duo's hand to his lips and gently kissed it.

"I'm so sorry, Duo," he whispered hoarsely. "So damn sorry. There's nothing I can do or say to every express how truly sorry I am. I never meant for any of this. To you. To me. To us. I can only hope you will give me the time to apologize in hopes to earn your forgiveness."

Duo bit his bottom lip, unsure what to say or do. This wasn't like Heero. Wasn't like him at all.

As if reading his thoughts, Heero leaned closer. "I'm the one who needed to change, Duo. Not you. You are perfect just the way you are. I was the joke. The baka. From now on, it's me who's going to change who I am. God, Duo . . . when I saw you in the bathroom . . . knowing how close I came to losing you . . ." Heero's breath hitched as he buried his face in Duo's hair.

"Promise me," he choked. "Promise me you won't ever leave me, Duo. Please. I couldn't survive if you left me."

Duo sobbed softly, his arm moving to wrap itself around Heero's shaking shoulders.

"I promise," he whispered back, clutching Heero like a lifeline. And he was. Just as he was Heero's lifeline.

* * *

Three Months Later

"Hee-chan! Let's go see a movie!"

Smiling, Heero wrapped his arm around the bubbly braided boy, pulling him flush against his body. "I'd rather not," he crooned in Duo's ear.

"But, Hee-chan!" Duo giggled, wiggling in Heero's grasp. "The night's still early! What can we do?"

A wicked gleam sparkled in Heero's eyes. "Oh, I can think of a few things . . ."

The End


End file.
